is your mom at the bar?
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Randomize
