fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
