yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
i think i just lost a toe
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
