i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
