I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
