called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
