I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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