I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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