well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
worst night to have a conscience
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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