she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
