She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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