I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize