Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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