Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
