I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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