so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
