Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
