i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
