OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
