I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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