this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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