somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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