hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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