Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
