Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
