Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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