I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
