Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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