So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
