If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
