Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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