I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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