i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
