girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
