hell yes lets make some ravioli
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Randomize