playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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