The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
