so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
