i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
