I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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