Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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