I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
