i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
