How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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