Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
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