Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
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