I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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