Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize