I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize