Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
