Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
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