Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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