Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
my phone needs a breathalizer
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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