JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
